I get bored, or tired, or lazy, or something else will happen that I use as a road block for getting stuff done. Momentum is a tricky thing like that. Once you lose it, it gets harder and harder to get your shit back together and get back in the game.
The truth is that it’s easier to give up than persist. It’s easier to blame every known external factor instead of confronting the voice in your head and owning the fact that there’s nothing else to blame for your lack of progress. You’re the one watching Bojack Horseman for the fifth time.
I broke on the inside and was barely holding it together, trying to impress my new boss, trying to prove to my family and friends that I could do it. That I could be resilient. That’s the word my therapist used to describe me before I stopped seeing her because of insurance issues. She admired my ability to bounce back, and I was in the process of bouncing back.
I would be fine.
That ER visit was scary. I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never felt so isolated in my entire life until the nurse walked in and held my hand and spoke to me in the softest voice, telling me to just breathe, that everything was going to be okay, that she also struggled with anxiety, that I should talk with someone about it.
And even now, I struggle to keep the momentum going. To stay positive and happy. I blame part of it on the fact that my therapist has been on maternity leave and won’t be back until next month, and I’ve learned the hard way that I need regular therapy sessions to feel in control of my life. I’ve still been seeing my psychiatrist because I’m not keen on having another breakdown, but it’s just not the same.
But I digress. The point is this: I’m sorry I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like. And this isn’t really a public apology, it’s more of an apology to myself in public. So much of my life is open that it feels like I’ve been keeping all of this a secret. I’m not beholden to anyone to write about these things, but I also feel like you all might like to know why the hell I’ve been so absent on here in the last few months… and now you know. It’s also liberating, to finally say all of these things. They’re no longer a mental burden, which is hella nice.
So… where do we go from here?
I’m essentially relearning how to write. It’s vaguely familiar, but foreign enough to where I have to sit with the words and try to make them fit together. Like a LEGO set, only I don’t have the instruction booklet. I’m not sure what it’s going to look like until I’m finished with it! I guess that’s where intuition comes into play… but I digress.
I think I’ve rambled enough for now. We’ll see what new shape this blog takes in the coming weeks, but I’m going to try to keep writing on the regular. If not on here, then on my novel. But I’m going to try to work on both because I truly love writing, and writing is the closest thing to therapy I have these days. Even after writing this, I feel a good amount of better.
So here’s to writing all the things and feeling all the better for it! May your thoughts find words, and your words find meaning.